Doormats

"Don't be a doormat!" That's a phrase I think many of us have heard throughout our lives. If not that specific idiom, then we've probably heard something that means the same thing. "Don't let people walk all over you!" "Don't be a push over!" These are all things we hear constantly and is the theme in many of our favorite movies (George McFly in Back to the Future, for example).

Over the past several years I've started hearing this sentiment more and more in the context of Bible study. We'll be discussing something about love, grace, sin, or something else about how we should live and it feels like we inevitably end up at "Don't be a doormat!" Many of the books that are out there about leaving behind some admittedly harmful and abusive religious contexts are largely themed around this. 

It comes up when discussing how we deal with our culture, deal with those we disagree with, and how we treat people in general. It arises in church settings, personal conversations, and small groups. Every time it is mentioned I see nearly unanimous agreement. "We shouldn't be doormats!" or "It's OK to stand up for yourself!" or something else to that effect is uttered in agreement. 

I confess that I have serious discomfort about the entire sentiment. The last couple of times it's been brought up, which isn't super often or anything, something in the back of my mind has been pricked. I feel uneasy and, true to my personality, remain utterly silent during these discussions (even though I'm usually the teacher). Something about the whole mindset doesn't sit right with me.

On the one hand I understand entirely where it's coming from. We don't want to be abused or hurt by people. We've all seen people we care about be trampled on by others and they've been told to "patiently endure" or "it's all part of God's plan" or some other pseudo-spiritual malarkey that only serves to keep the hurting and oppressed down and those in power blissfully unrepentant.

We see the complete collapse of discourse in our society and feel the urge to stand up for the truth, even a common definition of the truth, that seemingly no longer exists. We want to maintain a sane and stable world for our children and communities. We don't want our nation and culture to descend irrevocably into sin and disaster.  

We want to be difference makers. We want to be light and salt. We want our loved ones to be safe and able to stand on their own two feet. We want our country and culture to be a place of truth and grace. 

I'm sure there is even more we could all mention about why we feel this way. I'm sure many of you reading this are in full agreement with everything I've just said. In many ways I agree with everything I just said. So what's my problem with the whole "Don't be a doormat!" mentality?

It just doesn't sound very much like Jesus.

Jesus tells us not to resist the one who would do evil to us (Matt. 5:39). If we are struck on one cheek, we are to turn the other also (Matt. 5:39) He tells us that those who live by the sword die by the sword (Matt. 26:52). He says that whoever leads must be a servant (Matt. 20:26). He calls us to deny ourselves and pick up our cross (Luke 9:23).

More than this, the rest of the New Testament reiterates much the same point. Paul says that we have been crucified with Christ (Gal. 2:20). We are to offer ourselves as living sacrifices (Rom. 12:1). We are called to have the mind of Christ, the mind of humility and of laying ourselves down (Phil. 2:5). I could keep going but I think the point is clear. Christians are called over and over again to lay ourselves down for God and others.

I think the "Don't be a doormat!" mentality comes from a noble intention, I really do. I just think it's far more of an American response to the challenges we face than a genuinely Christlike response. As Americans we have a culture of pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps, independence, and "Don't Tread On Me!" ever in our mindset. It's in our blood to want to stand up and protect ourselves.

When I hear "Don't be a doormat!" what I hear is "Love and serve other people until it becomes uncomfortable or inconvenient." Is that what people mean when they say it? I don't think so, but I think this is the result. It places our own comfort and wellbeing ahead of others and even ahead of God.

The radical message of Christ is that we are dead. We have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. We are explicitly called not to use worldly means of power and authority (Mark 10:42-45). Instead we are called to use Kingdom means of service and self-sacrifice even at the expense of our very lives. 

We are called to love our enemies (Matt. 5:44), which means far more than just feeling sorry for those we disagree with. It means genuinely seeking the good and well being of those who are radically opposed to us and what we stand for. It means considering the person who wants to kill you more important than your own wellbeing. We see this displayed most clearly on the cross when Christ asked for forgiveness for those who had nailed him there (Luke 23:34).

In fact, I could say that we are saved precisely because someone became a doormat for you and me.

I'm not saying that this is easy to do. I'm also not saying that every situation is black and white. We are called to serve others and lay down our self-interest for their sake. This does not mean enabling abuse and sin. Abusing someone is both extremely harmful to the victim but also to the soul of the victimizer. It doesn't mean not standing for the truth, just standing for the truth by means of sacrifice and peace instead of anger and shouting.

It's not easy to hear and it's even harder to live out. It goes against our instincts to lay ourselves down. We want to fight back and stand up in defiance, but we are called to be crucified for the sake of Christ and others. In a way we are all called to be doormats of the Kingdom, welcoming people into the household of God.